With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept

What is it about death that makes it so hard to accept. I'll tell you. It's the fear of being alone and waiting. Waiting in line, it could be you. Or someone you love. Or maybe you lost someone to this thing...death..whatever..It's like that person just died and probably went to heaven and escaped or something. And left us behind crying and wondering what we'd do without that person around..It's messed up really...this fear of great loss and rejection. I'm shit scared....you know..

I'm afraid to let people in, I'm being honest. It's because I dont want them to leave..I dont want people to leave and never come back and just leave me alone..It's true people come back sometimes...but what are the odds? Is there a guarantee? What's the assurance?

Being a loner isn't easy..But being popular and all that...it's much worse. Because you know how it works..the more people you know...the more people you're not going to know after a while..and that'll hurt so bad your heart will bleed...it's this weird twisted logic I know but then...what isn't?

I know it's selfish of me to have these massive walls and be up there and look at all of you through this glass house. But then I'm afraid. Just like all of you..I'm afraid of having my heart broken. I'm afraid of having to lose someone I care about. I'm afraid of feeling rejection and loneliness...just like the rest of you...

'You'll get over it...' It's this cliché that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The importance of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to? Why would I want to substitute this horrible feeling with something else only to feel horrible again?

What's it about death that drives everybody up the wall? Is it the irreversibility of it's condition...is it the grief that surrounds the death or is it the fear of the uncertain...the fear you feel on behalf of the deceased? I say, it's the constant guilt of not being the one...or being fortunate...ironical yeah how being fortunate or just being more faithful and religious and happy and whatever else it is becomes the cause of your guilt.. everyone hurts when they lose a loved one...they hurt so bad they wish they just died too...and this is a feeling that they carry with them forever.

I know this is probably making some cringe while some others are wondering why Mel turned emo on everyone..Truth is, I'm hurting now..I'm hurting because I've finally let myself be open to you so you can see that I'm not really the happiest duck in the pond..I'm not all about flowers and cookies..I feel scared too you know..I get hurt and I cry. Hell, I cry a lot...but I just want you to know that it's okay to cry...it's okay to hurt...and it's definitely okay to feel lonely and feel like shit about it...because that only means that you were once un-lonely. And trust me you're a lucky bitch if you are..

Tennessee Williams once wrote; When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone. If I let people in, it's because I want them to see what I'm going through. My life hasn't been peachy..There's tonnes of people I've hurt and I'm not happy about it. I'm just this fucked up girl trying to get someone to hold on to...I'm just as lonely at night as all of you are...when the lights go out..it's all dark. And in the darkness...you find someone..Is that you?

Passing images

You know they say what we see around us is just like a series of images. Good images, bad images, some pretty ugly images too. But then there are some instances that just stun you. These instances are the ones that make you wanna stop everything in time...At that point you realise that it isn't just a passing image, but a moment in time that you wish lasted forever. This moment...it's called life :)

It's in you.

I wanted to tell you to have faith in me. In us. I wanted you to know that I trust you with my life. I hope you trust me with yours. I want us to know that we may not be the textbook couple and we may not follow all the rules. Maybe there won't be any rules. But that's the thing, right? That's what made us US in the first place. How nothing was normal, nothing was usual and nothing was predictable.

I pray that we understand the depth of this, that we are able to live up to it and carry on loving like we always wanted. I hope we're able to make something out of this, something that we can believe in. Something that will probably be and understood only between us. It's what I've always wanted...:)


You know, I've been writing all this down in that little book of mine. I just thought it was time to probably bring it out on my blog. I wanted to share this. And my heart. I gave it to you, that very first time. I feel so content, just as you said.

When I fell to the floor tonight, I was so scared, I'm still terrified. Then I saw you, and I promised myself that if I could just get up, I'd walk over to you... I'd tell you how much I need you and how much I want you... and how nothing else matters.


I love you very much, pie :)

I wanna hold on to you for as long as I can breathe...

Your words...up there :)

He tells me he wants to be with me for as long as I want to. Truth is, I want to be with him forever. But in his arms, even forever doesn't seem enough.
He claims to love me more than I can imagine. Clearly, he doesn't know I have the imagination of an painter/writer with the pure heart of a 6 year old. I just wish he'd stop thinking he's not good enough for me.Because if he isn't, then I don't know what is...

He's the best. This man. The best for me. The very best for us :)

One without a bail out.

I will be gone one year, two years, four years, maybe even ten. But I know I'll come back to you. I know I will. And there will in fact, be one day when you will hear my voice every day and every night. I'll watch you eat. You'll watch me sleep. We'll do big things together. We'll paint walls together. And we'll argue on stupid things and we'll make up for it in a few minutes. And that day and every day after that...will ve magical.
But one without a bail out...
:)

I gave you my heart. And I know it's safe.











"I'll make you go craaazzyyyy mella"- Pie <3