With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept

What is it about death that makes it so hard to accept. I'll tell you. It's the fear of being alone and waiting. Waiting in line, it could be you. Or someone you love. Or maybe you lost someone to this thing...death..whatever..It's like that person just died and probably went to heaven and escaped or something. And left us behind crying and wondering what we'd do without that person around..It's messed up really...this fear of great loss and rejection. I'm shit scared....you know..

I'm afraid to let people in, I'm being honest. It's because I dont want them to leave..I dont want people to leave and never come back and just leave me alone..It's true people come back sometimes...but what are the odds? Is there a guarantee? What's the assurance?

Being a loner isn't easy..But being popular and all that...it's much worse. Because you know how it works..the more people you know...the more people you're not going to know after a while..and that'll hurt so bad your heart will bleed...it's this weird twisted logic I know but then...what isn't?

I know it's selfish of me to have these massive walls and be up there and look at all of you through this glass house. But then I'm afraid. Just like all of you..I'm afraid of having my heart broken. I'm afraid of having to lose someone I care about. I'm afraid of feeling rejection and loneliness...just like the rest of you...

'You'll get over it...' It's this cliché that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The importance of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to? Why would I want to substitute this horrible feeling with something else only to feel horrible again?

What's it about death that drives everybody up the wall? Is it the irreversibility of it's condition...is it the grief that surrounds the death or is it the fear of the uncertain...the fear you feel on behalf of the deceased? I say, it's the constant guilt of not being the one...or being fortunate...ironical yeah how being fortunate or just being more faithful and religious and happy and whatever else it is becomes the cause of your guilt.. everyone hurts when they lose a loved one...they hurt so bad they wish they just died too...and this is a feeling that they carry with them forever.

I know this is probably making some cringe while some others are wondering why Mel turned emo on everyone..Truth is, I'm hurting now..I'm hurting because I've finally let myself be open to you so you can see that I'm not really the happiest duck in the pond..I'm not all about flowers and cookies..I feel scared too you know..I get hurt and I cry. Hell, I cry a lot...but I just want you to know that it's okay to cry...it's okay to hurt...and it's definitely okay to feel lonely and feel like shit about it...because that only means that you were once un-lonely. And trust me you're a lucky bitch if you are..

Tennessee Williams once wrote; When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone. If I let people in, it's because I want them to see what I'm going through. My life hasn't been peachy..There's tonnes of people I've hurt and I'm not happy about it. I'm just this fucked up girl trying to get someone to hold on to...I'm just as lonely at night as all of you are...when the lights go out..it's all dark. And in the darkness...you find someone..Is that you?