With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept

What is it about death that makes it so hard to accept. I'll tell you. It's the fear of being alone and waiting. Waiting in line, it could be you. Or someone you love. Or maybe you lost someone to this thing...death..whatever..It's like that person just died and probably went to heaven and escaped or something. And left us behind crying and wondering what we'd do without that person around..It's messed up really...this fear of great loss and rejection. I'm shit scared....you know..

I'm afraid to let people in, I'm being honest. It's because I dont want them to leave..I dont want people to leave and never come back and just leave me alone..It's true people come back sometimes...but what are the odds? Is there a guarantee? What's the assurance?

Being a loner isn't easy..But being popular and all that...it's much worse. Because you know how it works..the more people you know...the more people you're not going to know after a while..and that'll hurt so bad your heart will bleed...it's this weird twisted logic I know but then...what isn't?

I know it's selfish of me to have these massive walls and be up there and look at all of you through this glass house. But then I'm afraid. Just like all of you..I'm afraid of having my heart broken. I'm afraid of having to lose someone I care about. I'm afraid of feeling rejection and loneliness...just like the rest of you...

'You'll get over it...' It's this cliché that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The importance of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to? Why would I want to substitute this horrible feeling with something else only to feel horrible again?

What's it about death that drives everybody up the wall? Is it the irreversibility of it's condition...is it the grief that surrounds the death or is it the fear of the uncertain...the fear you feel on behalf of the deceased? I say, it's the constant guilt of not being the one...or being fortunate...ironical yeah how being fortunate or just being more faithful and religious and happy and whatever else it is becomes the cause of your guilt.. everyone hurts when they lose a loved one...they hurt so bad they wish they just died too...and this is a feeling that they carry with them forever.

I know this is probably making some cringe while some others are wondering why Mel turned emo on everyone..Truth is, I'm hurting now..I'm hurting because I've finally let myself be open to you so you can see that I'm not really the happiest duck in the pond..I'm not all about flowers and cookies..I feel scared too you know..I get hurt and I cry. Hell, I cry a lot...but I just want you to know that it's okay to cry...it's okay to hurt...and it's definitely okay to feel lonely and feel like shit about it...because that only means that you were once un-lonely. And trust me you're a lucky bitch if you are..

Tennessee Williams once wrote; When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone. If I let people in, it's because I want them to see what I'm going through. My life hasn't been peachy..There's tonnes of people I've hurt and I'm not happy about it. I'm just this fucked up girl trying to get someone to hold on to...I'm just as lonely at night as all of you are...when the lights go out..it's all dark. And in the darkness...you find someone..Is that you?

Passing images

You know they say what we see around us is just like a series of images. Good images, bad images, some pretty ugly images too. But then there are some instances that just stun you. These instances are the ones that make you wanna stop everything in time...At that point you realise that it isn't just a passing image, but a moment in time that you wish lasted forever. This moment...it's called life :)

It's in you.

I wanted to tell you to have faith in me. In us. I wanted you to know that I trust you with my life. I hope you trust me with yours. I want us to know that we may not be the textbook couple and we may not follow all the rules. Maybe there won't be any rules. But that's the thing, right? That's what made us US in the first place. How nothing was normal, nothing was usual and nothing was predictable.

I pray that we understand the depth of this, that we are able to live up to it and carry on loving like we always wanted. I hope we're able to make something out of this, something that we can believe in. Something that will probably be and understood only between us. It's what I've always wanted...:)


You know, I've been writing all this down in that little book of mine. I just thought it was time to probably bring it out on my blog. I wanted to share this. And my heart. I gave it to you, that very first time. I feel so content, just as you said.

When I fell to the floor tonight, I was so scared, I'm still terrified. Then I saw you, and I promised myself that if I could just get up, I'd walk over to you... I'd tell you how much I need you and how much I want you... and how nothing else matters.


I love you very much, pie :)

I wanna hold on to you for as long as I can breathe...

Your words...up there :)

He tells me he wants to be with me for as long as I want to. Truth is, I want to be with him forever. But in his arms, even forever doesn't seem enough.
He claims to love me more than I can imagine. Clearly, he doesn't know I have the imagination of an painter/writer with the pure heart of a 6 year old. I just wish he'd stop thinking he's not good enough for me.Because if he isn't, then I don't know what is...

He's the best. This man. The best for me. The very best for us :)

One without a bail out.

I will be gone one year, two years, four years, maybe even ten. But I know I'll come back to you. I know I will. And there will in fact, be one day when you will hear my voice every day and every night. I'll watch you eat. You'll watch me sleep. We'll do big things together. We'll paint walls together. And we'll argue on stupid things and we'll make up for it in a few minutes. And that day and every day after that...will ve magical.
But one without a bail out...
:)

I gave you my heart. And I know it's safe.











"I'll make you go craaazzyyyy mella"- Pie <3

selah dor.

They say, it takes a moment to decide what you want to make of your life. It is that moment...that takes your breath away...it sweeps you off your feet...it sends tingles down your spine...it renders you speechless...it makes you want to run into the arms of someone who means the world to you.

A lot many let these moments pass. We got lucky. Someday, when I look back and see how beautiful we are together...I will think about this very moment that did it for us :)






Muffin<3Pie//A&F.

goldie the goldfish.

It's a funny feeling. And I may sound completely retarded. But I know how it feels, and it feels friggin awesome!

It puts life in front of rose tinted unbreakable super strong unbendable glasses, this feeling. It makes you want to live in it and never get the fuck out. It wants you to wake up every morning and just be. Just be...

It makes you want to cook and clean and sleep and do all things that seem so ordinary, only it makes the ordinary special...this feeling.

It's like fairy dust. Like pot pourri. Like scented candles. Like marshmellows dipped in chocolate. Like hot food. Like warm hugs. Like night showers. Like a comfortable bed. Like anything you like. Anything!

It's so nice. And it's so special. It's like someone drilled a hole through your head and walked right in. Like he read everything, pulled out folders and files, and just read everything. And then, when it couldnt get any weirder...just became that one person. That one person who, so effortlessly, turned your world upside down. Not many people know this feeling. Those who do are lucky, those who dont...dont give up on it yet :) Its beautiful. Like..the mountains.

Like the sea. Like the sand and the snow and everything in between. Like a little girl with her doll house, like a little boy with his toys. Like an old man with an old woman and the love they share in their broken voice. Like a cloud to a labourer, like milk to cereal and fodder to cattle and umm..music to lyrics. And perfect boy to perfect girl. It's magical...

It's magical and unlike any magic you've known, it's bleeding real. REAL and beautiful. Beautiful and everlasting. It's irrevocable, and it's a crazy journey. It's a journey on a pretty road with turns and broken streetlamps. But a journey, nonetheless. It's like the smell of earth after the rains. It's something you never want to get rid of. It's a lasting memory, this. It's now. And tomorrow. And day after. And every day after that. It's just...It's almost trippy. Happy highs and not many lows..its how it should be and it's how it is. It just is...



How like this he is ??


selah dor.. <3

Niki's wild SouthIndianHell Experience xD

So we have Niki. Smart, pretty, wild and absolutely crazy.
And then, we have Chennai. No offence to the place, but somehow our little birdie just doesn't fit there!

For example: Niki likes dressing up. And dressing up good at that. No si...
Niki-
people are just SO excited abt silk
i mean
if silk worms
EVER go into extinction
blame the tamilians!!!


So she's waiting to come to Dubai for the food as well. Yeah, the..
Niki-
freak. I see another idli
and i will break thru a tree

As I mentioned earlier, she's a pretty good looker. And in Chennai, that's what'll get you places. How, you ask?
Niki-
its a good thing when you look classy around here
like
they think you are some filmstar and treat you with utmost respect.
and its SO cool to treat someone like trash ..

Don't get her wrong. She really is a sweetheart. Just caught in the wrong place.
Blame the heat..
Me-
is it hot there?
Niki-
it eez
and its OOGLY
save me?

So while I look for my cape, Niki continues to bicker about how caught up she feels there. Getting back to attire issues 101...
Niki-
Just here
and then
back
to
dubai
where
i can wear
whatever the FUCK i want
skinnys
and a top
is considered..
HOOO_HAAAA_HHOOOOOO_HAAAA

Poor Niki. I feel for you <3
xx

Omer grows up!

web monkey. succexy says:
I need love haha
illicince. think positive, cuz in life, god takes, god gives says:
you got me babe
web monkey. succexy says:
the mushy, nauseating, suffocating kinda love
illicince. think positive, cuz in life, god takes, god gives says:
*ahem*
illicince. think positive, cuz in life, god takes, god gives says:
you mean sex?
web monkey. succexy says:
NO *facepalm*

NYEWWW!

New flip flops <3
Make me happy.

Strange, eh?



ZOMGSOFUCKINGHAPPYITHINKIJUSTCRIED!

Hickory Dickory Dock

This ryhme's worth my old sock! The mouse ran up and now forgot, what it's like to die of shock.

Unlike my other posts, where I'm either constantly bitching or snitching, whining or just plain shining (lol wut?!?!?!), this post unfortunately has no purpose. I mean, if it was a living being I'd totally hate this post for the mere fact that it's so damn imbecile! It's useless and full of shit. It's so much like someone I know, it makes me wonder if really, posts and people could be twins, or what?

You see, posts like these are usually results of boredom, nothing-to-to-ness, and more boredom. What I fail to understand though, is the reason that's compelling me to write! To get this straight, I'm a) Not bored b) Definitely NOT jobless and c) Not a fan of useless posts. Actually, scratch that c. I am beginning to like the idea already!!

Now last night, I was aimlessly flooding random facebook profiles with my full-of-shite comments. Royal rapage, if I may. Oh and yeah (not relevant, don't get too excited YET folks!), I found this mysterious looking green gel in my drawer yesterday and for some reason it just doesn't look right to me. It's the kinda green that appears when something WASN'T originally green, you get what I mean? The kinda moldy, pasty, dull green. Ugh. FML

So I was watching St. Trinian's (dontask) and those ladies got some issues man! Like, one second they're hanging little girls off a flight of stairs, the next moment they're screwing royalty, and before you thought it couldn't get any worse, they're winning the bloody damn school challenge with the brains of an amoeba!!!!! Seriously, just WHERE did good ol' film making go?

I've been listening to Rihanna. Rihanna who? The same black haired blonde who got beaten up by a kid and then collapsed and then, wait for it, got BACK with him! Yes, I sold out. I've been listening to her croon. Not so bad, say I. But still, Reha(b)na!!

There's these odd looking kids staring at me like I killed the preseident, as I type this post. For why (omg so abhi!!), I wonder. Maybe it's because I get this weird fish face when I'm typing. Come on, admit it! Atleast 3 out of the 10 people who'll read this get that strange fish face or whatever you'd like to call it face while typing. It's a human thing. Can't touch this.

I'm through to the eighth paragraph and I'm still not making complete sense. All this when I haven't been under the "influence" of any drug or hmmm what's that..substance. Or alcohol. Or anything. No...nothing. I'm just writing. Typing? Yeah, that. It's like I'm mapping this portion of my head that ocassionally spills out some garb and all I gotta do is type till my fingers stage a protest. Maybe someday, like in another 100 years or so, man (or whoever it is that will roam on the surface of the earth)will be able to rightly decipher what it is that causes people to act like they're not thinking at all when actually they're thinking harder than they should be thinking, thinking people won't think that they're actually thinking thinking that the people who don't think actually think more than you think. OH HELL YEAH!!!!!



I are genie-ass.

What Clem and I have in common.

So there's Clementine, this mood swing-y, hair color changing, random and impulsive female lead from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (ESSM). And then there's Melissa; spontaneous, stupid, careless, silly and talkative. But this is where the differences end and the similarities begin.

I've watched ESSM too many times to tell people around me "OMG she's so ME!!". I have way too many proofs and just..wayyy too many things in common man! Funny thing though, is that when it comes to ACTUALLY pinning them down, I'm at a loss for words.

I'll tell you a few things though. Note that this paragraph comes almost an hour after the preceeding one. Blogs can't tell how much time one spends on them, so my humble fingers do the job. So Clementine erases her memory. Why? Because she thinks he's boring (cue in "aww" for Joel). I can't possibly erase my memory, Lacuna'll cost me a bomb. So what do I do? I deliberately erase him outta my head. It's not as easy as it sounds, and for the time keepers; it took me almost 2 months to do the needful. It's the un-doable. It's tough and it's a bitch of a job. But then, she did it. I was jealous of her. I wanted to be her. I wanted to change memories like she changed hair color. I want to be able to look him in the eye and pretend I never knew him. I'm so effing jealous of her. I want to be Clementine.

Clementine and I suffered from a Mariana trench level of inferiority complex. What I mean is, well we didn't think too high of ourselves as little girls. Remember the "be pretty" doll? Mmm and the impression we both leave on men in general. Same to same. Ditto. Why must she exist in just a movie? I want her to be real. I want her to be my best friend. My twin. Scratch that, I want her to be me. I Want me to be her.

So then there's the obvious bunch of neo-lovers. They want to tell me to keep the memories. Memories are good, they say. Any memory is a good memory. Oh well, WTF right? A bad memory is a bad memory just as a bad apple is a bad apple. Nothing can reverse that. If I'm going to have to live with it, screw it I'd rather just go brain dead.


Oh, and I love oranges. Tangerines. Mmm..get?



To quote her,

"Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours".

I'm single. And it's pretty here.

If this is how you're going to end it. I'm fine with it

It's the worst ending to any relationship.

But whatever, it must be done.

I'm so not worthy of your time and intellect. I'm sorry if I've wasted time trying to reconcile and I'm sorry that I was blonde and failed to see that you really wernt interested at all.

and I'm venting now, because WTF..we wont be talking much anyway.

Let me tell you once and for all, I loved you I love you and I'm going to love you but I cant be your kinda girl. Ever.

I cant be blonde and stupid and girly and all those things. I'm fcked up. I'm harsh. I'm cold and seriously, I dont even care.

I hate that blonde bitch and I hope she dies and I seriously dont give a damn . I just hope you never make the mistake of falling for her. You think im a jerk? That's fine with me, we're not talking so I dont see why I should be bothered.

and you can hate me all you want, but I only pray that you're able to be the man you've always wanted to be.

and I hope you find yourself a nice woman who deserves your time and attention..whatever little you can give.

and meh, I'm so done with this. I already forgot how I used to feel about you.

I've hurt you too much, I have no right to.

I feel horrible, I'm hurting myself.

I'm fucked up. And I love you. I hate it, but I love you. It's fucked up. End.


"Blessed are the forgetful,
for they get the better even of their blunders."